Cult Royalty

Saturday, October 3

As I'm sitting here, presumably typing the last entry of allthingsvice-, I can't help but wonder if there really is a new chapter of life waiting for me out there, or will I be inevitably stuck in the past, wishing for the 'what if's, 'maybe's and 'could have's, something that perhaps I have been subconsciously doing the past month.

They say you don't miss the water till the well runs dry, but I know only too well that regret doesn't have a say in the way things run. And sometimes something broken cannot be fixed or replaced with new batteries, because well, the damage has already been done.

I have been foolish and reckless, and I have done many things in my life that I am not proud of, but neither am I too proud to acknowledge them as well. They say the first step to a path of recovery is to admit that you have a problem, so yes, I have a problem. The bitterness that lays inside the depths of my heart, the irrevocable short-wired temper I possess, the biting lack of trust and the childish drunken escapades; these are my problems, and mine alone to face.

I am not asking for acceptance, I am not asking for forgiveness. All I'm asking is for a chance to have a go again, but I fear, or perhaps even already know, that it's too late.

But much like what I said earlier, there is no place for regret. Days will go on, months will pass, and the sun will still continue to shine. Time waits for no man, and it is only fitting that I leave this place of memories to start writing somewhere new.

And who knows? I may return.
(Like I always do)

:)

Monday, September 28

Courtesy of mel, who is obviously too free during work.

Sunday, September 27

Rightfully deserved or wrongfully accused, there is no space for me in this anymore.
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There are some people in life you meet that you keep, some people you meet and just greet, some people you listen to, some people you talk to. Some you know you can entrust your life to, some you know you can never believe. Some leave you with indescribable feelings of attachment just after the first time, others with strange doubt even after many.

2009 draws closer to an end with too many things overdone, too many words unsaid. But I'm back where I started, same old but brand new.

Tuesday, September 22

I'm not sure if I'm leaving this place with a clearer mind, lighter head, or weight lifted off my shoulders, but I think I see it now.

And all will be good henceforth.

See you tonight Singapore, and thank you my melburnian loves :)

Monday, September 21

Would you please meet me by the water, baby?
We'll have a really good time
Would you please meet me by the water, baby?
'Cause I can't get you off of my mind

Thursday, September 10

It's heartening to know how even the Colorgenics tests can mark the differences of my life from a few years ago till now.. in the past, results were always about lost faith, failed relationships and resulting lack of confidence, fear and hopelessness; and now it's all about peace, quiet and finding the right person to be in this journey towards my dreams.

Ahh.. life never knocks you down forever!

You are trying desperately to prove yourself. You are going at it hammer and tongs in order to get your own way. You oppose any sort of restriction or opposition to your own point of view in the belief that this could prove you how self determined you are.

You need an atmosphere of peace and quiet and you would like to share a bond of understanding with the 'right person' - you have the belief that with the right person, your stress and anxiety could be minimised.

Your confidence has been shattered. There are so many things that you would like to do with your life, so many dreams to be fulfilled - and you know that your hopes and dreams are not just figments of your imagination, they are real and you are looking for reassurance from someone. Basically your fears are such that you may be prevented in attaining your hopes and dreams. Even now you would like to broaden your fields of endeavour but in order to develop your 'inner- self' you need peace and solace. You are distressed by the fear that you may be prevented from attaining your goals. What you really need at this particular moment in time is quiet reassurance from someone close to you to restore your confidence.

As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven't been taking care of all your physical needs and it's beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate - someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to be individualistic - to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care.

There is that inherent fear that you may be prevented from attaining the better things in life - those things that you consider essential to your well-being. So you are prepared to try everything to prove to yourself that whatever you do or try will go wrong. This destructive attitude could come under the heading of 'a self fulfilling prophesy'. This belittling yourself is your method of disguising how hopeless and what a waste of time you feel that everything is. So now turn it about. As you 'think', so you are... So 'imagine' yourself successful. 'Pretend', 'act it out' and you may be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.
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"Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was."

— Jodi Picoult, Handle With Care
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"There is a big difference in what we long for, what we settle for, and what we are meant for."
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Monday, September 7

I must admit, my crazy thoughts consume me so much sometimes that everything just seems so muddled, grey and ready to burst with a rage of colourful emotions.

It's unfair and unreasonable but I hope you understand.